My Rights as a Muslim Wife

We all know that a Muslim wife has been granted the following rights by Islam:

1) The Mahr / dowry before marriage which Islam has not stated the minimum or maximum sum. Instead, it is recommended that the man gives according to his financial means and we are advised not to put too much strain on the man with regards to the dowry.

2) The Nafqah / maintenance; usually taken as food and clothing but in this modern society can be expanded to include other costs incurred during routine daily life such as transportation and what nots.

3) A shelter, a roof over her head, again according to the man's means. 

4) The right to be treat justly and fairly should the man has more than one wife. 

5) The right to be treated kindly (Husnul Mu'asyarah)

Now, the issue here is the kind treatment of the wife, what exactly constitute "kind treatment"? Here are my thoughts based on my experience as a wife. 

1) My right to be treated with respect. My husband should not belittle my actions or character and especially my opinion. Respect does not mean full acceptance as no one is perfect and we might make mistakes here and there, but please do not belittle us and condemn our actions instead kind words and advice will be much more appreciated.

2) My right to be treated with love, care and affection. A loving gaze, a smile first thing in the morning, a warm hug, deserving praises all goes a long way in building a loving home. 

3) My right to be forgiven when I make unintentional mistakes and acceptance of my weaknesses as I try to improve myself. Do remember that you have your weaknesses as I have mine and you have your strengths as I have mine and through our union we try to complement each other and help each other to be a better person and Muslim.

4) My right to be heard in matters concerning the family or ourselves.

Islam advocates discussions when decisions are needed on issues relating to family matters. For example in the case of breastfeeding and weaning of children, Allah has mentioned in Surah Al-Baqarah verse 233:

" If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no sin on them."

Therefore, Islam promotes a consultative approach in  marriage as this foster communication between husband and wife and greater understanding of our partners views and concerns. I personally can not stand iron clad dictatorship. That is not the style of our Prophet peace be upon him and definitely not the style I want my husband to adopt.

5) My right to be assisted in running the house and children. As I am your partner and not your servant and this is not the feminist in me talking. For even our dear prophet Muhammad peace be upon him helped around in his house and even mend his own clothes.   It is mentioned in Shahih Bukhari that a man named Aswad asked what did Rasulullah do in his house and Aishah replied that he was always helping around in the house, but will leave the house when it is time to perform the prayer.

6) My right to sexual relations with my husband. Let's be frank, we women have desires as you men have, and it goes both ways, the same way as us women must satisfy your needs, so do you men have to satisfy our needs. You can't use this to emotionally abuse your wife. Islam states that the a husband must satisfy the wife at least once in four month unless she waives her right. 

7) My right not to be abused. This is very important, based on kind treatment, verbal abuse is definitely out of the question in Islam. Whereas physical abuse veiled as disciplining is also out as we can't be hit in the face, nor can our husbands hit us in a way that will leave a mark on our body or cause us injury.

Allah subhanahu wa taala has stated in Surah An-Nisaa' verse 34:

"As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great."

Therefore, if I am wrong, you can't straight away hit me, or shout at me, you have to advise me, if I continue with my wrongdoing still, you can't hit me, you distance yourself physically so that I will crave your attention and love and reflect on my actions. But if I still persevere, then and only then can you hit me though lightly and refrained with no intention to injure or cause hurt to me. 

Hence, if I ever make unintentional errors  due to ill-judgement, you should advise me and I will change, if I am caught in a more serious blunder then you should distance yourself from me to shock me to reflect on my actions but if I ever let myself be embroiled in actions that is against our religion and or immoral and will cause harm to myself,  our family and to the society, then and only then can you lift your finger against me and within the parameters set by Islam. 

These are my rights as a Muslim wife and in return for these I pledge to fulfill my responsibilities towards you...


(Next post; My Responsibilities as a Muslim Wife coming soon..)

A mother's advice to a bride

Taken from Jamharah Khutah al-‘Arab, 1/145

‘Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

‘Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.”

What I wish to tell my kids when they reach puberty

Puberty is such an important stage in life but we fail to give it its due place. It is a crucial point when our kids turn from innocent to responsible. It is a time where they changed from being merely a born Muslim to a Mukallaf. A servant of God with a duty to observe Allah's prescribed commands and boundaries. 

A male reaches puberty once he experience a wet dream or reaches 15 years of age whichever is earlier, while a female reaches puberty once menstruation starts (which is around age 9-12) or 15 years  of age whichever is earlier. 

My children are still young, but I do wish to note this down, so that when the time comes, I will be prepared. I hope I will be able to talk to them kindly and wisely and convey what I wish to convey fully and clearly.

Dear Child, 

Congratulation for becoming an adult today, I am very happy and proud of you. I am proud that you have turned into a Mukallaf today. Even though in the eyes of the secular society you are still a child, but we know very well that you are an adult. Allah has given you a great gift and that is your "aql" the capacity to think, to learn. Knowledge is a powerful tool and I hope that  I have taught you well regarding what is right and what is wrong. From now on, you are responsible for all your deeds and actions; its rewards and repercussions. If, you are ever in doubt, follow your heart, as the heart of a true believer never lies, if there is but a smudge of uneasiness in your heart, stay away from whatever it is that you are thinking of doing.

Remember that the best of us in Allah's eyes, are the one who is most god-fearing of us all. The one who strives to perform his obligations, stay away from the forbidden and keep clear from the gray areas. In this time and place, I know that you are faced with a lot of worldly distractions that I myself may not be aware of. I hope that I have instill in you the right values to think for yourself, what is beneficial to you and what is not. 

Be proud of your religion, never be ashamed of it. Never think that it is full of constraints. Each time you are forced to choose between following the trend or your peers and following your religion, I want you to think objectively what each is asking of you and what each is offering in return. 

Never think that you are still young and religious duties can wait for we know not when death will take us and we know not whether we will be able to shake off the bad habits that we cultivated and truly repent. It is true that Allah will accept our repentance if we are truly sorry, but is it not better to be grateful to our Creator and not disobey him in the first place? For without Him, we are nothing. Remember, we are living because of the Ruh that He has breathed into us, we are breathing because of the air He has created for us, we are living because of the Earth that He has placed us on. If, He wishes so, He can take away everything in just a blink of an eye. Be thankful to Allah my child, never forget his ni'mah for a second. Remember that even if we don't see Him, He sees us all the time. 

One of the most wonderful thing of being an adult is that the ability, need and want to love someone is enhanced. You can not deny this for Allah has created us in pairs and placed our tranquility within each other. It is normal to feel restless without a partner, normal to feel happy and peaceful when in love, normal to want to love and be loved. It is part of our nature created by Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. But, Allah has imposed boundaries on our relationship with the opposite sex and this relationship will only be pure and permissible in the form of marriage. 

Relationship outside of marriage is open to a lot of instigation from Shaitan in many forms; television, magazines, music videos, social media, your peers and your own nafs. That seemingly harmless first date will inevitably lead to seemingly harmless holding of hands and then towards other physical stuffs. You can not avoid it, it is our nature as man is our cover as we are theirs, which means all our bodily desires are fulfilled by man and all of theirs are fulfilled by us. Sex is not a taboo my dear, it is a wonderful thing, a ni'mah from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, a means to to fulfill your desires so that the mind will be stable and steady not restless and fidgety. A tool for procreation, for you to experience the joy of parenting and having your own family. A bridge of love and affection between husband and wife. 

But this wonderful thing can turn into a dark secret if it is committed outside of marriage, it can lead to a lot of negative things, secrecy, jealousy, undesirable competition, multiple sexual partners, child out of wedlock, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases. The pleasure will still be there, but it will be tainted. I hope and I pray, when such desires pounces upon you, you will be able to turn away. It is very unlikely that you will be able to if your physical experiences has reached a certain stage and that is why it is important to take steps to avoid being physical in the first place and to avoid situations that will assist in such physical intimacy.

I am not disallowing you from liking someone, indeed, if you are attracted to someone that has good and desirable qualities and values and the feeling is reciprocated, I will be happy for you. It's just that I hope when that time comes, you will be able to talk to me and share with me your happiness and concerns and I can be there to guide you through. Your father and I are also very pro- early marriage and will assist you in any way should you desire to do so.  

The best advice that I can give you now, is to mind your prayers. Pray on time and never dally, for praying 5 times a day on time is your best guard against wrong doing. Remember Allah and Allah will remember you my dear. He will instill in you the compass to guide you in life and the conscience and strength to walk away from what is wrong. 

Congratulations once again my dear, May we all strive hard in this world for Allah's approval and May we see each other in Jannah in our after life Insya Allah. 

Hugs,
Mommy.

Women in Islam

A woman in Islam is a mother; a daughter and a wife..


As a mother, Allah has granted her a very high status as narrated in the Quran in Surah Luqman 14-15 :

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْناً عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي 
وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ

وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ عَلى أَن تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا
 مَعْرُوفاً وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ

"And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years; show gratitude to Me and to your parents, to Me is (your) final destination.

But if they (both) strive to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them, yet treat them kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do."

It is also narrated in a hadis in Bukhari and Muslim:

A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your father.

As a daughter, she is deserving of kind and impartial treatment from her father as narrated in Bukhari and Muslim :

The Prophet peace be upon him said: " Those of you who has a daughter, and did not mistreat her nor degrade her nor be partial towards his son over her, Allah will place him in heaven."

As a wife, husbands are urged to treat them kindly and with care.


Abu Huraira  reported Allah's Apostle  as saying: He who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it or keep quiet.  Act kindly towards woman, for woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top.  If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will remain there.  So act kindly towards women.


If , we take this hadis as an illustration of a woman's character, it states that a woman with all her temperaments must be treated kindly, a harsh approach might break her, causing her unhappiness and misery for trying to be someone who she is not and and a whole lot of pent up feelings or on the extreme end, retaliation; causing her to drift away from Allah and breaking up the family institution and unraveling the thread of society. 


Frankly speaking, we women are full of emotions especially in situations that involved things which we feel passionately about. and if we are chided strongly for feeling the way we feel, we feel hurt and disrespected. But, if the men reason out with us kindly, we can also see things from their perspective and meet them half way. This is just my understanding. 




A woman in Islam is equal as a man in Allah's eyes in creation, worship, rewards and penalties.


O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single nafs (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)]  (Surah Nisa; 1)


For men there is reward for what they have earned, (and likewise) for women there is reward for what they have earned, and ask Allah of His Bounty. Surely, Allah is Ever All-Knower of everything. (Surah Nisa; 32)



Cut off (from the wrist joint) the (right) hand of the thief, male or female, as a recompense for that which they committed, a punishment by way of example from Allah. And Allah is All-Powerful, All-Wise.But whosoever repents after his crime and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allah), then verily, Allah will pardon him (accept his repentance). Verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Surah Al-Maidah; 38-39)





A woman in Islam is free to transact in monetary transactions such as keeping/spending her inheritance, drawing up her will, giving alms, giving out or taking up loans, acquiring possessions, taking part in business transactions, all without having to consult her husband with regards to her money and wealth. 


Islam has also given rights to women in many forms among which are:


1. The right to be educated


The Prophet peace be upon him said : "The seeking of knowledge is compulsory for both male and female Muslims."


2. The right to work


Woman are allowed to work as long as the work does not conflict with their nature, does not degrade them nor lead to any social ills. She should be able to perform her primary duties as a wife and mother reasonably well. If the work becomes a burden and she can not cope, she should not be asked to work if it is financially possible. If not, the husband should help out or provide other alternatives such as a live-in maid or a part time helper. 


3. The right of maintenance.


The husband is expected to provide for the family a shelter, clothing and food and if the husband is stingy and does not give enough even when he can afford to, it is permissible for the wife to take from the husband what is needed with out his knowledge. 


4. The right to pick her life partner. 


For the prophet has instructed that a divorcee/widow must be consulted and explicit  agreement given  before remarrying them off, while approval of virgins must be sought before marrying them off.


5. The right to inheritance, with out having to share with the husband.


6. The right to marriage gifts


7. The right to seek for annulment of marriage should there be valid reasons. 

Top 5 Alif Baa Taa Videos for Kids

Let's face it our children are youtube generations and they (and us too!) can spend hours in front of the computers for entertainment, so why not use that time to educate them as well? I find that youtube videos are excellent in teaching my kids letters, shapes, numbers, animals, various forms of transportation and a whole range of concepts and vocabularies. The trick is, of course to know what to search for.

Among other things that I would like to teach my sons are the arabic alphabets or hijaiyah letters. There lots of them on youtube but they are either too long and boring, awful voiceover or of bad quality. Below are some of my favorites after screening a whole lot of videos. Hope they are of use to you as they are to me :)

My son's top favorite:

A relatively new animation to the popular malaysian alif ba ta nasyeed:

I love this, fast and catchy BUT comes with Egyptian slang:

Fast paced but might be a wee bit too long as they try to illustrate each arabic letter : 

Simple enough but the frames might distract your kids from the letters: 



Travelling With Kids - What to Plan For

Mothers of small kids all know too well how tiresome it can be travelling with small children especially since they can't sit still when it is required. And my heart always go out to the parents of kids screaming or crying in planes or trains.

To make sure that the travel is fun for the kids and stress free for us, below are suggested items to bring when travelling with kids.

1. Enough diapers, wipes, plastic bag ( for putting in soiled diapers when the rubbish bins are not accessible) a small towel (for wiping vomit etc)  and tissue papers 
2. a change of clothes - absolutely essential if your kids have a tendency to puke after running around like mine or like to mess about with food
3. milk powder, 1-2 small drink, some easy to eat milk chocolates / pastilles / baby biscuits, the latter is more for travelling in planes during take offs or landing to ease their ear pressure as eating or drinking will get them to swallow their saliva. If your baby is too small to eat, you can give him some honey water to alleviate the ear pressure.
4. Ipod/laptop/dvd player with their favorite videos enough to last the journey (be sure to charge the appliances the night before travelling)
5. other activities to distract them during take off and landings as these require them to sit still in their seat and no electrical devices are allowed. My fave activities are:

• sticker books especially with animals and alphabets (pick ones which your kid is interested in)
• a small notebook and a few markers
• a lift the flap storybook or activity book with magnets 
• puzzles - cubed ones are great as they have a few different puzzles that your kids can play.
• hand puppets or small soft toy

Magnetic Books; Billy The Bear by Top That Publishing

Magnetic Book Funny Monsters by Top That Publishing available at Singapore Popular Bookstores

Pack everything in a lightweight backpack and stow it under the seat for easy access. Make sure that it isn't too heavy for you! 

Happy Travelling!