My Rights as a Muslim Wife

We all know that a Muslim wife has been granted the following rights by Islam:

1) The Mahr / dowry before marriage which Islam has not stated the minimum or maximum sum. Instead, it is recommended that the man gives according to his financial means and we are advised not to put too much strain on the man with regards to the dowry.

2) The Nafqah / maintenance; usually taken as food and clothing but in this modern society can be expanded to include other costs incurred during routine daily life such as transportation and what nots.

3) A shelter, a roof over her head, again according to the man's means. 

4) The right to be treat justly and fairly should the man has more than one wife. 

5) The right to be treated kindly (Husnul Mu'asyarah)

Now, the issue here is the kind treatment of the wife, what exactly constitute "kind treatment"? Here are my thoughts based on my experience as a wife. 

1) My right to be treated with respect. My husband should not belittle my actions or character and especially my opinion. Respect does not mean full acceptance as no one is perfect and we might make mistakes here and there, but please do not belittle us and condemn our actions instead kind words and advice will be much more appreciated.

2) My right to be treated with love, care and affection. A loving gaze, a smile first thing in the morning, a warm hug, deserving praises all goes a long way in building a loving home. 

3) My right to be forgiven when I make unintentional mistakes and acceptance of my weaknesses as I try to improve myself. Do remember that you have your weaknesses as I have mine and you have your strengths as I have mine and through our union we try to complement each other and help each other to be a better person and Muslim.

4) My right to be heard in matters concerning the family or ourselves.

Islam advocates discussions when decisions are needed on issues relating to family matters. For example in the case of breastfeeding and weaning of children, Allah has mentioned in Surah Al-Baqarah verse 233:

" If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no sin on them."

Therefore, Islam promotes a consultative approach in  marriage as this foster communication between husband and wife and greater understanding of our partners views and concerns. I personally can not stand iron clad dictatorship. That is not the style of our Prophet peace be upon him and definitely not the style I want my husband to adopt.

5) My right to be assisted in running the house and children. As I am your partner and not your servant and this is not the feminist in me talking. For even our dear prophet Muhammad peace be upon him helped around in his house and even mend his own clothes.   It is mentioned in Shahih Bukhari that a man named Aswad asked what did Rasulullah do in his house and Aishah replied that he was always helping around in the house, but will leave the house when it is time to perform the prayer.

6) My right to sexual relations with my husband. Let's be frank, we women have desires as you men have, and it goes both ways, the same way as us women must satisfy your needs, so do you men have to satisfy our needs. You can't use this to emotionally abuse your wife. Islam states that the a husband must satisfy the wife at least once in four month unless she waives her right. 

7) My right not to be abused. This is very important, based on kind treatment, verbal abuse is definitely out of the question in Islam. Whereas physical abuse veiled as disciplining is also out as we can't be hit in the face, nor can our husbands hit us in a way that will leave a mark on our body or cause us injury.

Allah subhanahu wa taala has stated in Surah An-Nisaa' verse 34:

"As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great."

Therefore, if I am wrong, you can't straight away hit me, or shout at me, you have to advise me, if I continue with my wrongdoing still, you can't hit me, you distance yourself physically so that I will crave your attention and love and reflect on my actions. But if I still persevere, then and only then can you hit me though lightly and refrained with no intention to injure or cause hurt to me. 

Hence, if I ever make unintentional errors  due to ill-judgement, you should advise me and I will change, if I am caught in a more serious blunder then you should distance yourself from me to shock me to reflect on my actions but if I ever let myself be embroiled in actions that is against our religion and or immoral and will cause harm to myself,  our family and to the society, then and only then can you lift your finger against me and within the parameters set by Islam. 

These are my rights as a Muslim wife and in return for these I pledge to fulfill my responsibilities towards you...


(Next post; My Responsibilities as a Muslim Wife coming soon..)

A mother's advice to a bride

Taken from Jamharah Khutah al-‘Arab, 1/145

‘Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

‘Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.”